The Weight of Unexpressed GriefFor many African American women, emotional expression has often been framed as a sign of weakness or selfishness. In a society where strength is revered—particularly for women of color—emotions such as sadness, grief, and anger can be stigmatized, leaving a lasting impact on their mental health. For a client like “Tasha”—a 47-year-old nurse and caregiver—this cultural conditioning has shaped her emotional landscape, leading to a lifetime of suppressed grief, depression, and negative self-judgment.
Tasha’s story is all too familiar for many African American women who, from an early age, were taught that expressing painful emotions was an act of selfishness. Her trauma began with the loss of her mother when she was a child—a pivotal event in anyone’s life but especially difficult when emotional expression is shamed. Tasha was told that she was being “selfish” when she expressed her grief over her mother’s death, as well as her anger toward her father for quickly moving another woman into their home. These emotional needs—understandably raw and real—were dismissed, creating an enduring emotional wound that would follow her into adulthood.
Emotional Suppression and Its Consequences
As Tasha grew older, her internalized beliefs about emotions—especially negative ones—persisted. She often uses the phrase “I should be over this by now” when discussing her grief, highlighting a deeply rooted belief that emotions should be kept in check, or that grieving must follow a timeline. This kind of self-criticism is common in those who feel they’ve been taught to “move on” too quickly from painful experiences. The result is often depression, emotional numbness, and a disconnection from one’s own emotional needs.
In Tasha’s case, the depressive symptoms began in childhood and continued into adulthood. She carries a profound sense of duty to take care of others—first her father, then her stepmother—out of fear of being perceived as selfish. Ironically, this desire to care for others’ emotional needs at the expense of her own has led her to a place of inner emptiness. Her depression is not just a reflection of her grief but also a consequence of the belief that her emotions are secondary to those around her. She has internalized a societal and familial script that labels emotional needs as selfish, leaving her feeling unworthy of support, care, or self-compassion.
The Weight of the “Shoulds”
The pervasive use of the word “should” in Tasha’s language is a red flag for a cognitive pattern known as “shoulding”—a form of self-criticism that creates unrealistic expectations and perpetuates negative emotions. “I should be over this by now,” she says, reflecting the cultural pressure to move past grief and suffering. The constant inner dialogue of “shoulds” serves to invalidate her emotional experience, making her feel inadequate for not meeting these unattainable standards. This kind of thinking can foster self-blame, resentment, and ongoing sadness, as the person continues to chase an idealized version of themselves that is “emotionally strong” and unaffected by the past.
The Impact on Relationships
Tasha’s son, witnessing her put the emotions of others before her own, encouraged her to seek therapy. This was a pivotal moment for Tasha, who has spent much of her life prioritizing the needs of others over her own emotional health. Her role as a caregiver, particularly for her aging father and stepmother, has only amplified this pattern of self-neglect. While her care for others is driven by love and duty, it has also created an emotional imbalance that prevents her from truly processing her own grief.
The idea that caring for others is synonymous with self-worth is common for many African American women, especially those raised in environments where emotional survival was tied to being “strong” and “resilient.” The fear of being perceived as selfish often blocks the ability to care for oneself in a healthy way. Tasha, like so many others, finds herself trapped in a cycle of emotional suppression, putting the needs of others first while neglecting her own.
Helping Tasha Heal: A Therapeutic Approach
As a counselor, the goal is to create a space where Tasha can feel seen, heard, and validated in her emotions. The journey to healing begins with recognizing and deconstructing the beliefs she holds about emotional expression.
1. Reframing the “Selfishness” Narrative
One of the most important aspects of therapy is challenging the deeply ingrained belief that expressing emotions is selfish. Counselors can help clients like Tasha recognize that emotions are a natural part of the human experience and that acknowledging them is not only healthy but necessary for healing. Helping Tasha reframe her grief and emotional needs as legitimate, rather than selfish, can alleviate some of the guilt and shame she has carried for decades.
2. Exploring and Validating Grief
Tasha’s grief over her mother’s death, compounded by her anger and disappointment toward her father, has been buried for years. The first step in healing is acknowledging and validating these feelings. A counselor can create a safe environment where Tasha can express her grief without judgment, allowing her to process the unresolved emotions that have been festering for so long. This may involve exploring the specifics of her mother’s death and the impact of her father’s actions on Tasha’s emotional well-being.
3. Addressing Cognitive Distortions
Tasha’s frequent use of the word “should” points to cognitive distortions that fuel her depression. A counselor can help her identify these negative thought patterns and replace them with more compassionate, realistic beliefs. For example, replacing “I should be over this by now” with “Grief doesn’t have a timeline; I am allowed to feel how I feel” can help Tasha be more patient and kind toward herself.
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Self-Care and Boundaries
Tasha’s emotional suppression is intertwined with her inability to care for herself in healthy ways. She may feel that she must prioritize others’ needs in order to be valued or loved. A counselor can work with her on setting boundaries with her father and stepmother, teaching her how to say no and reclaim emotional space for herself. This may also involve exploring new ways for Tasha to engage in self-care, so she can begin to nurture herself in ways that are emotionally healing.
5. Reconnecting with Passion and Purpose
Tasha’s lack of passion for her work as a nurse is another area that could be addressed in therapy. Often, emotional numbness can manifest in a lack of fulfillment in one’s career or personal life. Exploring what Tasha truly values and what brings her joy could help her reconnect with a sense of purpose outside of caregiving. This process might involve exploring alternative career paths or simply finding activities that bring her joy and fulfillment.
6. Generational Healing
Lastly, it is important to recognize the generational impact of these beliefs about emotional expression. Many African American women have been raised in environments where emotional suppression was a survival mechanism. Counselors can help clients like Tasha understand how these patterns have been passed down through generations, allowing her to break free from them for the sake of her own mental health and the well-being of future generations.
Conclusion
Tasha’s journey is not unique. Many African American women carry the weight of emotional suppression and self-neglect, often rooted in cultural norms that place the needs of others above their own. As a counselor, helping these women process suppressed emotions, heal from past trauma, and challenge long-held beliefs about self-sacrifice is essential for promoting mental well-being. By offering a compassionate, validating, and reflective space, counselors can guide clients like Tasha toward emotional liberation and healing, allowing them to finally embrace their full range of human emotions without fear of being labeled selfish.
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